| A Long Post Of Random Thoughts |
[Nov. 18th, 2009|04:37 pm] |
Hello mortals. The internet connection in the house is dead. Haven't been online for 2 nights and already i feel weird.
I feel sad when i think about this. I've become so reliant on the internet. But these couple of days have been good. No more distractions.
Been doing a lot more devotion thanks to this. I think it's a wake up call for me. How easy we can put things before God.
I had so much to talk about but then now, suddenly everything's gone. not gone, but, too much to say i can't organize my thoughts.
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Dionel's coming for BnJ this saturday! On the condition that I write him a song so thanks. Got 3 days to think of a song now. meh.
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The house has been crazy for the past few days, but it's good.
In times of trouble, we get to see God in ways we've never seen before.
I've been so down i feel rather guilty. Snapping at anyone who crosses my path. But thank God for my understanding and patient friends.
I miss being a kid. I don't really miss the playing with toys part, but I miss being dependent on my parents.
Whenever I got scared in the night I'd run to their room and sleep with them.
I had this crazy problem. Everywhere and anywhere that I could, I would hold on to my father's hands.
In the car, when we're sleeping, and when we had dinner i would always sit on his lap.
It must be heartbreaking for parents. To watch your little kid grow up and grow distant from you.
But no one is at fault here. Time just does things to you.
Outsiders can blame us for being unfilial, outsiders can blame my parents for being irresponsible, but outsiders won't understand.
I've learnt to come to terms with the fact that not everything is smooth sailing for everybody.
Our lives are specially crafted, customized for each of us.
We go through different problems, deal with them differently, and learn different lessons from them.
I always ALWAYS get mad sometimes when I see other "more fortunate" families. The parents are extremely patient and kind and understanding, and the children are rebellious. Then I think, my sister and I are the best that we can be given our circumstances. Why is it our parents can't see that?
Then I will remember that perhaps if our situation wasn't a situation, we would probably turn out worse.
I mean, if our parents were not as insane as they are, we would probably have no morals at all.
It's because of our crazy parents that my sister has become so strong and she's the one who has been taking care of my moral well-being since we were kids.
So maybe our situation isn't that bad afterall. I believe that there are reasons behind every issue. So I just have to hang on to the hope I have in God that one day we will get to see the big picture.
For now, I really miss being a kid. I can't even have a proper conversation with the folks anymore. When he called me, and I asked him how he was, it felt so foreign. So unlike us. It's sad isn't it? I think I found the problem. From the beginning, our relationship has been built on a foundation of money. Not love, not trust. Money. Something so tangible yet unstable. When this "foundation" breaks down, all that's left is an empty shell.
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Most people long for things that are tangible. Money, a hug, things you can see and touch and have assurance in. But the problem with this is that most of the time, it's the things that aren't tangible that bring you security and stability. Just like the love of God. Most of us tend to shift our focus on something we can see and touch and know. We divert our mind and heart to something, someone of this world. It's so much easier you see. When you can see the person everyday and get assurance everyday and KNOW for a fact that the person exists. But then again, we are all just humans and to err is human. Humans fail, humans fall. So why should we put our hope completely into a relationship that is not complete? Not saying that we shouldn't give our all in relationships, any type of relationships like parent-child and friendships. We should not lose track and lose sight of what is most important and that is our relationship with God. We cannot see God, we cannot even know if for a fact He exists, thus our relationship is based truly on faith. And faith is a powerful tool.
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Do I even make sense at this point of time? All the thoughts are just rushing out. There seems to be no filter at this point of time.
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Sometimes we are too critical.
This struck me during medsoc tutorial. During discussion, I hit Ms. S with a question. It was a debate between religious views and society. She did not know that I was a believer and I guess that made me sound really .. rude? I kept attacking and questioning. But I meant no offense. I LOVE to give opposing views just so that I can counter my own questions and find out more about the issues. I mean, if we don't question ourselves and find answers, how would we answer those who come and question us? Right? Ok nehmind anw. After that discussion i felt so guilty like something was eating me from the inside. After class I went to apologise to her. I KNOW. We were, okay I was so mad at her for picking on us during lecture. But still, I had to do what was right. After I apologised she talked to me more about the issue. For once I heard her speak her own mind. Not what the textbook says, not what she was told to teach us, but how she felt, how she felt about her faith.
After that I talked with Hazel and we concluded that we as students have become too critical.
We expect certain things from lecturers and when they don't deliver, we start to hate them.
We set expectations for all those around us that we get disappointed so easily.
Sometimes, we set expectations for ourselves so high that we get disappointed and disheartened.
Setting expectations is good, but we should not be over-ambitious. We have to be practical.
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BRAIN... CANNOT.... FILTER.... THOUGHTS....
I'm at Sci Park now using the free wifi. Man I feel so cheap. mehhh. I hope our internet restores. There's no cable tv either. so woopie no other distractions. But i've got the whole 10 seasons of friends on dvd..... OH OH OH OH OH OH
I GOT MUSE TICKETS.
STANDING WAY IN FRONT <3
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Just because someone doesn't express their love and concern for you the same way you do for them, doesn't mean they don't love you at all. Everyone expresses love in different forms and it's difficult to understand, but we all have to try.
I've seen this A LOT at home.
Parents express love in the form of money.
Is this wrong?
I've been trying to "solve" this thing. Perhaps the think that money can bring us comfort, security, that's why they use it? They're overall concern is still to provide for us and to make us happy. So is it wrong to express love in the form of money?
Many people would say YES IT'S WRONG immediately because money cannot buy happiness. So money cannot be the foundation of love, but can money be used to show love? We donate to charities out of compassion. Are we are using money to demonstrate our love? Is it wrong?
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Sometimes to be free from our chains, we have to free others first.
If we cannot forgive and forget, how can we move on with our lives?
To forgive is to wish the person well. Not just sweep the matter under the carpets, but to genuinely wish the person well.
Forgiving doesn't allow you to bring the matter up again when the person does something wrong.
Forgiving means letting it go.
Let it go. Free the person, free yourself. MOVE ON WITH LIFE.
Hating someone takes a lot of energy. So why let the hatred consume you? Is it worth it?
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I think this is an extremely long post. I apologise and kudos to all those who read the entire thing. I buy all of you a virtual lollipop.
I should be doing gracom now. Logos! Postcards! MEHHHHHH.
good day, good bye.
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Maksim tonight ^^
Thanks sissypoop.
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When things go crazy, hang on to the hope we have in God.
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Studying at TCC with jasmine now. She's distracting meeeeee!
Jasmine says "Hello world i'm jasmine."
Oh the internet-deprived jc kid.
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It's raining. lovely. |
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